A Piece of Advice

I know, all too well, the things people say in regards to getting pregnant that push my buttons and activate rage inside of my empty womb that is longing for our rainbow baby. BUT… one thing, REALLY drives me absolutely CRAZY!

WHY, in the actual F&$^, does ANYONE think it is okay to ask a woman (or their spouse) WHEN they will or IF they have children?! 

Or even WHEN they will have ANOTHER? Secondary infertility is a VERY REAL thing people!

Do you really think these questions will lead to good conversation? Chances are, if we haven’t mentioned kids we probably don’t have them. So when you ask this question, we immediately start on a spiral of “How do we possibly answer this question?” I have literally started telling people “Not yet, it’s been quite the struggle”, and then it seems they either feel bad about asking or give the advice of “well you have to stop stressing!” Hmm, hadn’t thought of that one, thanks! And if you feel bad about asking, well GOOD! I hope you feel bad about it. You feeling bad for asking doesn’t even compare to the heartache we’ve endured over the past 2.5 years. My husband and I are both successful individuals and have many other things to offer for topics of conversation.

I will even sometimes go on to say that we’ve miscarried and are now at a specialty clinic doing IVF and have had a failed transfer and ectopic pregnancy. NOT ASHAMED! People need to know this is happening everywhere around them! Asking someone “when” they are going to have children only adds to the pressure we’re already feeling, and “if” they have children… well do the ones in Heaven that we never got to meet count!?

Having children is a very sensitive topic. Many couples struggle with infertility, secondary infertility, or just may not want children period! There are so many other things that we could talk about, even if we’ve just met! I make a point not to EVER ask people if they have kids, unless I am 100% positive they have them (or have talked to me about their children) because I know how much it hurts hearing that question over and over. Bottom line… it’s really none of your business if I haven’t openly mentioned my family to you.

So a piece of advice, if you’re wondering if someone has children, don’t ask. Think of another topic… there’s a lot you can learn about a person, especially if you’ve just met and it shouldn’t have to revolve around if their reproductive organs work properly. If they do have children, talking about other things will most definitely lead to natural mention of their children.

We hope to be able to provide a “yes” to this question one day. Although, part of me will still cringe at the thought of all the times we’ve been asked this dreaded question and were silently suffering. Lord willing, if/when the time comes, mark my words, I will be the first to bring them up in conversations, and will share pictures and videos until you are bored and wished I’d just shut up about them 🙂 So, you won’t even have to ask. Thanks for listening… Rant over.