April 21, 2022… 3 years to the day since our world came crashing down on Easter Morning after our positive pregnancy test just a week before. A lot has happened in the 3 years since then; failed IUIs, IVF consultations, an egg retrieval, failed embryo transfers, an ectopic pregnancy, emergency surgery, referrals to more specialists, frustrating emails from our nurse, endless blood draws and tests that have provided zero helpful information it seems; and of course… everyone around us getting those two pink lines that Josh and I pray so hard for every night.
My last update was at the new year and although we had high hopes that we’d finally bring home a healthy baby in 2022, those dreams have once again been crushed… maybe next year. That is the norm it seems with infertility. Us warriors are always doing the math and trying to figure out “if this transfer works, we’ll be due in December”. “Maybe this month” turns into “maybe this year”… and in our case now, it’s maybe next year.
In the days after our miscarriage in April 2019, we needed distractions, even though we weren’t thrilled with the idea of getting out there and “acting normal”. Although some of the distractions helped us to feel “normal” for a little while, it seemed that no matter what we did, everything we did reminded us of the heartache of our miscarriage; and with every “would have been” pregnancy milestone that we passed, it was just another reminder of how our precious miracle was ripped away from us just as quickly as it was brought into our lives.
Friday 4.26.19
We flew to VA for Carson’s 1st birthday. I remember Josh saying that he didn’t really feel up for it, being around babies and all. I had to agree with him, but this was our nephew’s 1st birthday and I wouldn’t miss it for the world!
By the time our flight landed with the 2 hour time change, it was nearly midnight. We’ll get to my parents house close to 2am. It’ll be a quick trip, Friday-Sunday.
Saturday 4.27.19
Carson’s birthday party was decorated SO cute, and was baseball themed. I would expect nothing less from my super organized and detail-oriented sister, Megan 🙂 Every little detail was perfect. She could literally be an event planner.
“Concessions” sign above the snacks, pictures glued into the shape of a 1 from the time he was born until now, monthly milestone pictures from newborn up to 1 year, Mommy & Daddy matching shirts (¾ length sleeve raglan style with the sweep, you know, baseball style), baseball smash cake, and the birthday boy sported the same style as Megan and Danny, reading “One” on the front with the sweep. On the back in jersey fashion, it said “Grogg 1”
Carson’s favorite new, adorable thing to do is raising his arms above his head when people say “Touchdown” (after all his dad is a football coach). He did this so many times and it IS adorable! It was so much fun watching him open all of his gifts, but we couldn’t help but think of the little one we had just lost and how we wished we could be making those same memories a year from now.
After the party, we went back to Megan and Danny’s. Mom, Dad and Caits came too. We looked at all of his toys and ended up playing horse with Carson’s new basketball goal, which was pretty hilarious. Mom’s got the moves! It was a fast trip but so glad we came out. It really helped to be with family.
TMI detail; still bleeding quite a bit, and super fun part is I have to use pads.
Wednesday May 1, 2019
Went to turbo kick for the first time since the miscarriage. I’m still bleeding, and didn’t do all of the high intensity jumps and kicks that I’d normally do. Maybe I should be doing some lower impact classes…was I working out too hard? Did I cause our miscarriage?
Saturday May 4, 2019
We had purchased tickets way in advance for the Denver Derby Party to celebrate a dear girlfriends’ birthday. We weren’t thrilled about going, but thought a day out with friends would be good for our souls. They all told us how they would totally understand if we didn’t come (they all knew we were trying, so to ease the pain of “how’s it going” questions, we told them all about the miscarriage), but would love to see us.
I made my hat…well glued a feather and some birds on it, and we got Josh a polo and hat from Goodwill. We all met at a friend’s house before heading down. As the champagne was flowing, I could tell our friends weren’t sure if I’d want any. I said I’d have some, even though I’ve felt guilty and hadn’t drank a drop of alcohol up until now. I don’t know why, it just hasn’t felt right since the miscarriage.
It ended up being such a fun day with our closest friends, and we’re so glad we decided to go. Just as we thought, it was just what our souls needed. We’ve been so lucky to have their support through ALL of our ups and downs, and are blessed to call them our Framily ❤ we never imagined we’d endure 3+ years of infertility… and their support sure has helped us pick ourselves up and keep moving forward more times than we can count.
Infertility: The Silent Struggle 