Cheers to a New Year!

It’s been a while, ya’ll! Life has been busy… halfway through year 7 in my teaching career, adjusting to my new school and working with the littles, trying to juggle all the things and keep my fertility clinic in line for the past few months had me a little distracted. New developments there, and playing even more waiting games; but I’ll save that for another day in hopes I’ll have some positive updates to share.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. Cheers to 2022, this HAS to be our year, right?! Claiming it for us and all you other warriors out there hoping to bring home a healthy little one 🙏🏻

I left you kind of hanging in October, with signs of miscarriage luming like a huge storm cloud ready to pour at any moment. Only a week after our positive pregnancy test, I started spotting, and hadn’t shared the news with anyone, yet…

The Storm: Sunday 4.21.19

The next morning I finally told Josh. After chatting with a doctor on my Kaiser app, we drove to Urgent Care. We had to stop on the way so I could buy some pads, because my liner wasn’t going to hold the amount of blood that I’m passing. It’s Easter, we should be spending the day with family, and instead I’m being pricked and prodded, hoping and praying our baby is okay.

We waited and waited, only to find out after blood test results that my HcG number is low at 6, not even detectable by a pregnancy test. Our hearts are shattered, I immediately started to cry. The doctor said if it drops below 5, we would likely be having a miscarriage. He goes on to explain how common this is and that he sees a miscarriage in nearly every one of his shifts. Okay, STFU, not making me feel better! We retest in 2 days to see what the number does. But it isn’t looking good…work is going to suck tomorrow.

I texted my family in a group chat letting them know what was going on. Megan already knew, and I felt awful that she had to hide this secret all day on Easter. After the text, Caitlin texted me separately and shared that she had also had a miscarriage outside of the ectopic pregnancy she had in the fall. OH MY GOSH! Why do we ALL suffer in silence!? Knowing that she understood the heartache we were experiencing was comforting; but also broke my heart that her and Dylan went through this alone. Mom is so upset we’re going through this by ourselves (physically, obviously we have our family support here in CO). Josh also texted his mom that morning and she brought us some Easter leftovers ❤

Monday 4.22.19

I texted my paras and principal at 4am. No way can I go to work today. They were all so supportive and said to take all of the time I needed. I got a sub for tomorrow, and paras will handle today. I have to be back on Wednesday though, big IEP meeting for one of my students.

The next two days are agonizing. We both took off from work. I can’t even recall what we did these two days. If I had to guess, I’d put money on laying on the couch watching The Office, trying to distract our minds from reality. 

Today is Carson’s 1st Birthday! We mustered up some smiles to call on Facetime and wish him a Happy Birthday. Of course once we saw him all our pain seemed to go away temporarily. We’re flying out Friday night for his 1st birthday party.

Tuesday 4.23.19

I went in for the blood draw today. Once we were home, we waited anxiously to hear from the doctor. When the phone rang, it wasn’t the news we wanted. HcG is at 4, the number dropped,  we’re officially having a miscarriage.

Wednesday 4.24.19

Well this sucks. I just want to stay home in bed. I haven’t even fully finished data for my student’s IEP yet, and I’m such a stickler for sending the draft home days in advance. I got to work early and hid in the printer room, frantically typing away at reports and analyzing behavior data. I ended up finishing soon after students arrived.

When I walked into my classroom, a student walked over to me with a vase of flowers and a card. The tears immediately started to flow. My work family is the best ❤

The IEP meeting went well, and seemed to be a good distraction for the time being. The rest of the week was a blur. Co-workers came in to check on me, and I got the “I’m so sorry smile” more times than I can count.

“At least you know you can get pregnant.” I heard this a few times, and although there is truth in this statement; it did not make me feel any better. If anything, it ignited a small rage inside me. I didn’t know it at the time, but this ignition would grow to engulfing flames over the next few years.