Never Give Up

November 30, 2022.

The date of my last blog post.

15 days after our 3rd embryo transfer.

Two days after I took a pregnancy test.

The test was positive 🙏🏻

A flood of emotions rushed over both of us. Excited, relieved, thankful, and at the same time terrified and worried that something would go wrong like it had many times before. I would still need to go in for my beta blood draw the next day to see what my HCG levels were, and if they would be higher than where they like to see it, 50 at minimum.

The next day after the blood draw, we got the call from our nurse. HCG is 946 and we’re officially pregnant! We couldn’t believe it!

I had wanted to share the story about the little girl at school from my last blog post, who so bravely shared in a classroom discussion that she was special because her mom and dad had to try really hard to have her, giving me the slightest inkling that her parents may have battled infertility too. After getting our BFP, I felt like it was as good a time as ever. Especially since I likely would not share again anytime soon as I would be so hyper focused on every little symptom and keeping all the faith that now may really be our time to bring home our miracle baby.

I’ve also been meaning to share a piece of our pregnancy journey after infertility. In all honesty, I’ve struggled with the right words to say, and have even had feelings of guilt to share news like this in a space that I created to bring awareness to this community and to support those that are battling infertility. Do my words even matter here anymore? Will hearing from me just be an annoyance to everyone still in the trenches? I know how I felt when I would see news of everyone around me getting pregnant except for me. Even when those that also battled infertility finally got their rainbow, it still felt like we were left in the dust wondering “when will it be our turn”?

Infertility does crazy things to your body, emotions and becomes such a mind game. Giving even those of us that are the least superstitious a fear that they will do or say something to jinx their chances of becoming parents and cause everything to come crumbling down. Another big reason why I’ve been absent in this space is because of this exact reason. Continuing to speak and share about infertility while also pregnant seemed ungrateful in my mind, especially being a part of the infertility community and seeing so many others that are still in their season of waiting to receive their miracle blessing. The last thing I’d want after waiting for so many years is to think that God viewed me as ungrateful for this miracle. Would he punish me for thinking this way and rip my pregnancy away?

Infertility is a thief. It robs you of those first blissful moments of finally getting those two pink lines. Instead of thinking about baby names or how to share the news with loved ones, your mind immediately spirals back to all the trauma and loss and triggers feelings of fear and questioning “why would this time be different?”

Each doctors appointment feels like “okay, we made it this far” or “I hope the baby’s heart is still beating today”, and checking a box as we reached each trimester and milestone, knowing that the farther along we got, the higher chance that we’d finally bring home our rainbow. Don’t get me wrong, we are so thankful and grateful to God that I had a healthy pregnancy, but for 9 months and going into each appointment we had these feelings in the back of our minds. Thankfully we were able to breathe a sigh of relief after each appointment, but many couples aren’t so lucky.

We didn’t find out gender. Everyone thought we were crazy. Well, not everyone… there were definitely a few that thought it was so great! We just felt that our whole path to pregnancy was so calculated, with nothing left to the element of surprise, and we just wanted a healthy baby and would love our baby regardless of gender; so we decided we would find out at delivery. I also think that deep down, part of us also felt that maybe we wouldn’t be AS attached if something did go wrong if we didn’t know boy or girl, because then we would have definitely decided a name, gender specific clothes/nursery, etc, making the thought of a living, breathing baby at the end of this pregnancy feel even more real.

Since IVF was our pathway to pregnancy, we could’ve known gender at transfer. We always have opted for the best chance embryo, regardless of gender, and have made sure doctors and nurses know that we do NOT want to know gender. Even at the 20 week anatomy scan, we stood our ground and didn’t look at the screen, although we did have the tech give us an envelope with the gender incase we wanted to open it later.

We did open it later. A week after we had Dawson.

Infertility literally makes you feel crazy. Crazy enough that we thought not finding out the gender of our baby would make us “less attached” if something were to go wrong. It really brings out the most pessimistic side, in the most optimistic of people. For those of you that know Josh and I, you know we are very laid back and always try and find the good in every situation. But infertility has this way of creeping in on even the most positive minds, making them go to the darkest places of fear because of all of the heartbreak it has caused before. The thought even crossed my mind that if something did happen to our pregnancy, we’d open the envelope then to know gender so we could give a name to our 4th angel baby😭 The anxiety and fear that couples face after infertility when finally blessed with a miracle pregnancy is unreal. There just aren’t words to describe it.

We supported each other those 9 months. When one of us felt unsure or scared, the other was there to bring feelings of peace and comfort. I truly believe that navigating infertility together made our relationship and marriage so much stronger. It makes parenthood so special to think that we overcame SO much to bring our miracle baby boy home. The second I delivered Dawson and the nurses put him on my chest, all the years of pain and heartbreak felt so far in the past. It was such a relief to have our miracle baby here with us, finally earthside 🤍

Our worries of if and when we’d bring him home are now a memory. No more worrying about when it will be our turn, or will we ever have a living, breathing baby here with us. Now the worries have shifted to that of parenthood, and our hearts literally beating outside of our bodies for the rest of our lives.

Infertility sucks. It isn’t fair. Its lonely. It’s a battle that can last for years, without any guarantee that you will be blessed with a precious miracle. If I could give any advice to all of those that are longing to bring your baby home earthside, don’t give up.

📢 NEVER give up.

I get it. It’s so hard. And it really would be easy to give up. Infertility is draining. Physically, emotionally, financially. It’s hard not knowing when the battle will end. But keep going. Give yourself grace. Take breaks when you need to. For us, 4 years seemed like it took forever but at the same time it flew by. We went from being naive and wanting to “plan” when we’d get pregnant so we’d be due at a convenient time to avoid missing family weddings and vacations, to literally counting down the seconds until we could try again, or do another IUI or another embryo transfer; without a care in the world of when our due date would fall. I was 31 years old on our wedding day, and thought we had all the time in the world to “plan” when we’d start our family. I turned 37 just weeks after giving birth to Dawson. We only waited about 7 months to start trying naturally after our wedding, but looking back I wish we would’ve started so much sooner! I firmly believe that it would not have happened for us without medical interventions. We needed a lot of help to get here.

Was it easy? No.

Was it affordable? Not even close.

Did we have to advocate for ourselves with doctors and nurses that should have known better? Unfortunately, yes.

But in the end, it IS worth it. You forget about all the pain and heartache, and you get to focus on the now. Finally LIVE in the moment of holding your miracle. We could NEVER put a price on our sweet rainbow baby, Dawson Joseph. We would’ve paid double, triple, literally ANY amount of money if we knew it would’ve gotten us to where we are today. Bringing home our perfect baby boy, and the family we’ve dreamt of for so many years 🫶🏼

I still plan to share about our infertility journey. It wasn’t pretty. We endured A LOT as a couple. But if it helps just one person who may be experiencing the same thing, or wondering about a procedure or whether to question or call out your doctor, then I’ll be so happy. I know it was SO helpful for us to talk to close family and friends, and those that had walked the path of infertility before us.

Infertility is a lonely battle. It feels like a constant road block in life. But it doesn’t define you. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s not your fault. Remember, we are warriors. You can do this. Stay strong, hang in there, and never EVER give up on your family 🫶🏼🤍